My dog, "Minton" ate a shuttlecock.
Bad Minton.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop anytime.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ...

Interviewer:  What would you consider one of your strengths?
Candidate:    I perform under pressure
Interviewer:  Can you give me an example?
Candidate:    OK, ... <takes deep breath>
Candidate:    Mm ba ba de
Candidate:    Um bum ba de
Candidate:    Um bu bu bum da de
Candidate:    ...
Candidate:    PRESSURE, pushing down on me

Q: What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
A: Chicken sees a salad

Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies prefer a banana ...

My kids treat the house like a hotel.
This morning I found them putting Gideon bibles in the bedside tables.

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.
What a sad state of affairs.

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?
You could be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Helen Keller walked into a bar ... and then a table and then a chair.

You can't run through a campground.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Q: How do you sex an ant?
A: Drop it in water, if it sinks - girl ant, if it floats - boy ant

I can't stop falling off my bike and hurting myself.
It's a vicious cycle.

Replace numbers with Roman numerals?  Not on my watch!

Who wants to learn Roman numerals? I for one.

I'm planning a secret dinner party so I've hidden all the meat
at the top of the fridge.  The steaks couldn't be higher.

I went to the zoo the other day.
There was only one dog in it; it was a shih tzu.

Q: What does Mr Miyagi do when he’s bored?
A: Whacks off

Q: Which female popstar can detect ionising radiation?
A: Lady Geiger

Did you hear about the albino fruit smoothie?
It didn’t have enough melon in.

Q: Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound guy
Q: Who takes over when he’s on holiday?
A: The hip replacement guy

* Fortunate - Consumption of an expensive meal
* Impolite - A flaming goblin
* Propaganda - A gentlemanly goose
* Incandescent - Rolling downhill in a tin
* Inaccurate - A sexual position involving a lower member of the clergy
* Polygon - A dead parrot (with due respect given to Monty Python)
* Politics - A parrot suffering from muscle spasms
* Venezuela - A gondolier with a harpoon
* Assassination - A country populated entirely by pairs of donkeys
* Buckingham - A rodeo pig

Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit stuffed up his bum?
A: Warren

Q: What do you call a man who’s been underground for 100 years?
A: Pete

Q: What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
A: Doug

Q: What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
A: Douglas

Q: What do you call a frenchman with a car on his head?
A: Jacques

Q: What do you call a woman playing pool whilst balancing two pints
   of lager on her head?
A: Beatrix Potter

Q: What do you call an epileptic in a brown paper bag?
A: Russell

Q: What do you call an epileptic in a deck chair?
A: A Transformer

I worked as a stand up comedian in a retirement home once.
None of them really understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Q: What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A: He was arrested for striking a happy medium

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Q: What did the Mexican fire fighter call his two sons?
A: Jose and hose B

Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?
A: Wasabi

Q: What do you call a man with no shins?
A: Tony

Mon: Greg
Tue: Ian
Wed: Greg
Thu: Ian
Fri: Greg
Sat: Ian
Sun: Greg

#gregorianCalendar

Mountains aren't funny.  They're hill areas.

I used to miss Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to too.

My dog used to chase people on a bike.  It got so bad, I had to take his bike
away!

A Mexican magician said that he would vanish after the count of three.  He
counted uno, dos and then poof he was gone.  He disappeared without a trace!

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Q: What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly
   dressed man on a bike?
A: Attire!

Q: How do you make a glow worm happy?
A: Cut off its tail ... it will be delighted!

Q: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
A: Aye matey!

Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
A: Someone who points out the obvious.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens but I had to shut it down.
I was struggling to make hens meet.

I've been learning how to guess the weight of dogs.
I picked up a few pointers yesterday.

Irony, the opposite of wrinkly

If you suck at playing trumpet then that's probably why

Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name

Dogs can't operate MRI machines but cat scan

Jim and Bob (two old fellas with Alzheimers) are sitting by the sea.
Jim turns to the other and says "Get me an ice cream mate."
"Alright" says Bob and gets up to go.
"With a flake," says Jim
"OK"
Jim taps Bob on the leg; "Oh, and sprinkles."
"OK"
Another tap from Jim; "And chocolate sauce!"
"OK, OK.  I've got it."

Bob goes to get the ice cream.
After a while he comes back with a steaming dish in a foil tin.

"What's that?" says Jim.
"It's your steak and kidney pie" replies Bob
"WTF?!  You forgot my chips!"

I just found out I'm color blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

My friend asked me, "What rhymes with orange?"
So I said, "No it doesn't"

Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

I’d known for a while that my sexual desires were getting out of hand but it
wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realized I’d hit rock bottom

Three guys were stuck on a boat.  They had four cigarettes but no lighter.
So, they threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

Q: Why does the Norwegian navy have QR codes on the side of their ships?
A: So when the ships arrive back in port the harbormaster can Scandinavian.

I'm so meta even this acronym

I'm terrified of elevators.  I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.  But then I don't trust stairs either,
they're always up to something.

Doctor:  I'm sorry to inform you but you have a rare condition causing you to lose all memory of 80s pop music.
Patient: What's the cure?
Doctor:  It's worse than I thought.

A superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here."
The superconductor leaves without any resistance.
But he doesn't go home because he's ohm-less.

Lance isn't a very popular name these days but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.